Not quite an old gray mare

It’s been about 4 years since I’ve written on a regular basis. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a teacher like every other 9 year old but when I was a teenager I dreamed of being a writer. I filled notebooks full of melodramatic, self-absorbed prose, half teenage angst and half very real and very scary fears. Nothing I wrote was well executed or remotely “good”.

But at least I had a dream.

The last time I had an all-consuming goal or dream was nearly 4 years ago when we bought our house. The whole process was exhausting and emotional but so worth it. I took a step back from blogging so that I could just live my new possibilities and experiences. I wanted to explore life without constantly recording it and my feelings about it.  And while I was busy living, my kids were busy getting older and becoming Internet savvy with YouTube channels and Instagram.

A handful of you may have noticed that I recently set my blog to private. My kids are at the age where I’m not so comfortable writing about them but they’re still such a big part of my healing and what I want to write about. It’s always been a conundrum for me: How do I tell my story without telling anyone else’s? 

And here’s something that’s embarrassing to admit. I struggle with whether or not anything I have to say is relevant in the first place.

I’m going to turn 50 this year. How can that be when I often feel like a 14 year old? I sometimes have the same insecurities, anxieties and breakouts that plagued me as a teenager. I don’t care how old I get, my dad’s disapproval is something I want to avoid at all cost and I will always care too much about what people think about my hair and outfits. 

The thing that feels the worst is that while I still wonder what I’ll be when I grow up, the undeniable reality is that the time left ahead of me is far less than the time I’ve already had to figure it out.

The clock hasn’t ticked this loudly since I was 37 and trying to get pregnant.

Here are some things I want to write about in my next 50 years:

Living with anxiety. Someone close to me recently started having crippling panic attacks and in trying to help them I realized that I have a lot of tools and experience to share.

Plant based eating. Since last March, my husband and I have slowly transitioned to a mostly plant based diet. I want to share our journey.

God/Spirituality/Higher Power. I can’t get through a day without help from my Creator. I’ve always tried to weave that into my writing and it brings comfort to me when I feel a spiritual connection in others’ writing.

Aging. I’m fascinated by how women age in our society. There are lots of discussions to be had.

Parenting with PTSD/unresolved trauma. I could write a book, my friends. Maybe someday I will.

Body image, friendship, recovery, grief. Music, books, self-care and work/home balance. 

I might feel like an old gray mare sometimes but I still have a lot to share. I hope you join me from time to time!

Side note: I have a new Instagram account with @mendedmusings and I got rid of my Facebook page.