Roller Coaster

We all know the phrase misery loves company. I don’t think it’s that as much as misery needs company. We need connection when we’re miserable to know that we’re not alone.

So curl up on the couch with me a minute while I pause Netflix and tell you about what I’ve been feeling.

Does anyone else feel out of control? 

I’m pretty sure everyone has control issues but those of us with complex trauma are especially triggered right now. For me, life feels like a roller coaster and I hate roller coasters. One minute I feel paralyzed by fear and the next I’m happy-tears crying because of an uplifting Facebook post.

I’m doing everything I can to stay connected to my body in the here and now but it feels so much like it did when I was a child and helpless. Here’s what the tension in my body feels like:

It feels like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me.

It feels like the rug is already gone and I just don’t know it yet.

It feels like everyone is moving and I’m standing still like, “Wait, what?”

It feels like I can’t do anything fast enough.

I feel paralyzed.

I feel like every decision is life or death.

I feel like if I make the wrong decision I’ll get left behind.

If I’m left behind then I’m all alone.

All of this is in my body, especially in my neck and my shoulders. These thoughts make me feel like a failure, like a sick person instead of someone who has everything she needs. I have plenty of food, a healthy family, a roof over my head and the Internet. Then, I feel guilty for having all of this because so many don’t.

I don’t want to feel triggered. I want to be the voice of reason and of spread positive vibes. I want to encourage others and to make jokes. I want to be a pillar of strength. But right now, I’m just not.

I’m scared.

I’m uncertain.

I’m wary.

I’m sad.

And then, because it’s a roller coaster, I feel incredibly grateful. My heart bursts with love for all of the compassion I’m seeing. My beautiful, free-spirited children make me laugh and all is right in the world again. 

When the clouds break, I get up and I do things. I try to get back on the SBA website to complete our business loan application. I make plans on which creditors to call. I help the kids with their school work. 

I feel it all and that encourages me because if I can feel the good, the bad, the highs and the lows then it means that I’m not dissociating. It means that I’m here in the now and even if it reminds me of being a helpless child, I know that I’m not truly helpless. Yes, there are a ton of things that I can’t control but even if these feelings remind me of the past, it doesn’t have to be like the past. 

To be brutally honest, I’d rather be here in this uncertain, scary pandemic than be a kid again. Here I have tools and a support network. I can advocate for myself and for those I love. In the here and now I’m the grown up and I can kick ass up and down the block. 

How are you all doing out there?